Our Beliefs

Before one may partake in the holy slice, they must first understand the foundation upon which it is built. Here, we share the sacred truths of Cheesus Crust, the wisdom of The Pibble, and the divine essence of the Cheesy Trinity.

The Cheesy Trinity

At the heart of our teachings is the Cheesy Trinity: Tomatoes, the essence of purity; Dough, the structure of all things; and Mozzarella, the binding force that stretches from shoulder to shoulder. These three form the eternal balance of pizza, guiding all who seek wisdom and sustenance.

Through the sacred revelations of Cheesus Crust, we have inherited The Pibble, the most blessed of texts, containing the parables and prophecies that shape our understanding of the One True Slice.

  • To unite the world under the sacred slice. The table of Cheesus Crust has room for all, and through the love of pizza, we reject division and embrace community.

  • While not ideal, one must consider their circumstances. If fresh pizza is unavailable, frozen may sustain you in dark times—but always strive for handmade salvation. However, those who choose frozen willingly, despite having access to fresh, must seek forgiveness through acts of pizza generosity.

  • Crustianity welcomes all. While Calzonism may frown upon alternatives, Crustolicism embraces balance and Orthocrusty understands allergens. The spirit of the slice is in the sharing, not just in the ingredients.

  • Share pizza. Break bread (crust) with friends and strangers alike.
    Call out culinary heresies, such as the reckless discarding of crusts.
    Correct misguided souls, but do so with kindness. Even those who put ketchup on pizza can be redeemed.

  • Yes. Without exception. Fascism is the mold upon society’s crust, and just as one does not tolerate spoiled dough, neither does Crustianity tolerate tyranny, oppression, or the hoarding of resources.

  • The sacred scripture of Crustianity, recording the teachings, trials, and tribulations of Cheesus Crust. It is our guide to pizza enlightenment.

  • While Crustolicism allows flexibility, Othocrusty deems this an unnecessary complication, and Calzonists outright reject the notion. Ultimately, if the pizza remains pure and the crust is respected, your method is your own.

  • The Pineapple Schism divided Crustianity for decades. While Othocrusty rejects it outright, Crustolicism preaches tolerance, urging believers to accept that some may seek flavors beyond our understanding.

  • Yes—but choose your method wisely. The oven or a pan is ideal, bringing the slice back to life as Cheesus intended. The microwave, however, is a cruel and careless tool, turning the sacred slice into a rubbery shadow of its former self.

  • There are two grave sins in Crustianity, both equal in their offense:

    To discard the crust. The Crust is the foundation, the vessel, the very body of the pizza itself. To leave it uneaten, to cast it aside like an afterthought, is to deny the essence of the faith.

    To mistreat one’s neighbor. The love of pizza is the love of community, and to act with cruelty, selfishness, or greed is to reject the very teachings of Cheesus Crust. One cannot hoard pizza and call themselves faithful.