The Schism That Shook the Faith

For generations, Crustians stood united under a single, sacred truth: Pizza is divine. The faithful gathered in harmony, breaking crust together, celebrating the gift of Cheesus Crust without division.

But then came the topping that shattered the peace.

No one saw it coming. No one could have predicted that a single fruit—sweet, innocent, and sun-kissed—would be the catalyst for the greatest schism in Crustian history.

The arrival of pineapple pizza sent shockwaves through the faith. Some called it a revelation, a perfect balance of sweet and savory, a new horizon for pizza itself. Others saw it as heresy, an abomination upon the holy slice, a violation of everything sacred.

And thus, the faith split in two.

The Feast That Changed Everything

It was a time of great hunger. The faithful had gathered, their stomachs empty, their spirits weak, for they had journeyed far to hear the teachings of Cheesus Crust. The sun hung low over the pizzeria-lined hills, casting long shadows as the people murmured among themselves.

There was a problem.

The ovens had gone cold. The dough had been stretched thin. The cheese reserves had dwindled. And when the disciples of Cheesus took stock of their provisions, they found only one solitary slice remaining.

Panic set in. Some suggested cutting the slice into smaller and smaller pieces, though the thought of such injustice was unbearable. Others considered hoarding it for the most devout, but Cheesus saw their greed and shook His head.

He stood among them, calm as ever, the warmth of the holy oven reflected in His eyes.

“Fear not,” He said, raising the slice to the heavens. “For no slice, when shared in faith, shall ever be the last.”

In the beginning, there was dough. And the dough was kneaded, and it was good. But the dough alone was not enough. From the sacred fires of the first wood-burning oven, the crust was born, golden and firm, a vessel of divinity. It was the foundation of the slice, the pillar of the pizza itself.

And yet, there were those who did not understand.

Some, in their arrogance, tore the crust away as if it were a burden. Others cast it aside, untouched, like a forgotten relic. They rejoiced in cheese, indulged in toppings, but forsook the crust—the very structure upon which their blessings rested.

It is said that Cheesus Crust, upon witnessing such reckless desecration, wept marinara tears. And in His sorrow, He descended upon the people and spoke the words that would shape the faith forever:

"Thou shalt not waste the crust, for it is the vessel of my blessings."

This was the First Commandment. The foundation of Crustianity. And yet, even as Cheesus spoke, a great schism was already forming.

The Calling of the Faithful

There comes a moment in every believer’s life when they feel the pull of the slice. It may come in a quiet, reflective moment, staring at a pizza fresh from the oven. It may come during a heated debate over toppings, when one realizes that pizza is not just food, but philosophy, culture, and purpose.

For some, the realization is instant, a revelation as powerful as the first bite of a truly perfect slice. For others, it is a slow awakening, a gradual understanding that pizza is more than a meal—it is a way of life. This is the essence of Crustianity: A Slice of Devotion.

The Three Pillars of the Faith

To be Crustian is not just to eat pizza, but to live by its sacred principles. These principles, passed down through generations, are the foundation upon which the faith stands.

The first and most sacred of these teachings is No Slice Left Behind. In the beginning, there was dough. And from dough came the slice, and from the slice came the greatest commandment of all: pizza must be shared. A true Crustian does not hoard the pizza for themselves. They do not take the last slice without offering. They do not abandon their fellow believers to suffer a pizza-less existence. For as it is written in The Pibble, "He who shares his slice shall never go hungry, but he who hoards shall find his crusts stale and his cheese cold." Sharing is not just a virtue—it is the foundation of all things.

Explore the principle of gender equality within the Crustianity Church and celebrate the significant role women play in shaping our faith community.