Folded in faith, bound by gluten.
Who are the Calzonists?
Calzonists believe in strict adherence to tradition and reject anything gluten-free or unfaithful to the dough.
Our Core Beliefs
Calzonists hold an intense devotion to the calzone, viewing it as the most complete form of pizza. Their beliefs are deeply rooted in strength, purity, and a rejection of anything they see as compromising the dough.
The Fold as Unity
For Calzonists, the act of folding dough into a calzone is the ultimate expression of devotion. The fold represents unity, completeness, and the binding of Cheesus’ teachings into one perfect form. It is a rejection of division and a celebration of harmony.
Gluten as Sacred Bond
Gluten is revered as the divine thread that holds the dough together. Calzonists see gluten as a metaphor for faith itself—stretchy, strong, and resilient under pressure. While compassionate toward those with genuine gluten intolerance, they reject unnecessary gluten-free adaptations.
The Seal of Faith
The sealed edges of a calzone symbolize protection and devotion. The act of sealing is a prayer to Cheesus, asking for guidance and strength. It is said that a well-sealed calzone shields faith from the outside world.
Dough as a Trial of Faith
The process of folding dough is a sacred trial, testing a follower’s patience and skill. Each fold and seal is an act of worship, requiring care and intention to ensure the calzone reflects Cheesus’ perfection.
Celebrating the Fold
Calzonists mark their devotion through grand celebrations like the Gluten Parade. These events honor the resilience of traditional dough and the unity of the fold, bringing followers together in communal joy.
The Inner Light of the Calzone
The filling of a calzone represents the soul of faith—hidden within, yet vital to its essence. Calzonists believe that the calzone’s warmth and fullness reflect the light of Cheesus’ teachings, nourishing both body and spirit.
Doctrine of the Fold
"In the Fold Lies Perfection"
The Calzonists hold the act of folding a pizza into a calzone as the ultimate expression of faith and devotion to Cheesus Crust. To fold is to unify—to bring all elements together into one sacred whole, without division or discord. The fold symbolizes the strength of the crust, the purity of the dough, and the completeness of Cheesus’ love.
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“A divided crust is a fractured world; fold it, and find harmony.”
The calzone represents the perfect balance of all ingredients, inseparable and complete.
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Gluten is seen as the divine bond that holds the dough together. Without it, the fold lacks strength and faith.
“Blessed is the dough that stretches and yields, for it carries the will of Cheesus.”
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The sealed crust of the calzone is revered as a shield against external forces, protecting its sacred contents.
“Seal the fold as Cheesus seals His love for the faithful.”
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The filling of the calzone is likened to the soul of a believer, warm and hidden within, yet essential to its being.
“Within the fold lies the light of Cheesus’ creation.”
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Folding dough is considered a holy act that requires skill, patience, and devotion. Each fold is a prayer to Cheesus.
“Fold with care, for Cheesus watches thy hands.”
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The fold is eternal, unchanging, and the ultimate manifestation of faith.
“As the fold endures, so shall our devotion.”