The Pizza Guide – What the Faithful May Eat
Sooner or later, every believer stands before the menu and trembles. Is the deep dish lawful? May the vegan partake? What, in the name of all that is molten, is one to do about pineapple? This guide exists because the faithful kept writing in, and because the answer – as with most things in Crustianity – is “it depends whom you ask.”
It depends whom you ask because of a single line. On the Mount, Cheesus Crust spoke thus: “Let all good things come to the Slice – what will sit upon it, put upon it; what will not, fold within; and in all things, keep the Slice true.” One sentence; three clauses; three sects. In the Schism of the Slice, each party carried off its favourite clause like a slice from a shared pie, and the church has been passing the crushed chilli of disagreement round the table ever since. The Orthocrust kept the Slice true. The Crustolics put upon it. The Calzonists folded within, and have not fully unfolded since.
The official disclaimer: when Cheesus Himself was asked, late in His ministry, which pizza was permitted, He is reported to have ordered “one of everything, to share.” The reader is invited to hold this in mind throughout what follows.
The Legend
- ✓ Permitted – eat freely, and with thanksgiving.
- ✗ Forbidden – the sect in question would sooner fast.
- ⚖ Disputed – the elders are still arguing; bring snacks.
The Guide
Margherita
Tomato, mozzarella, basil: the tricolour of heaven, and the pizza against which all others are secretly measured.
- Orthocrust: ✓ Permitted – it is the One True Slice; to eat it is very nearly a sacrament.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – a classic is also a topping choice, and a beautiful one.
- Calzonism: ✓ Permitted – though the elders murmur it would travel better folded.
Marinara
Tomato, garlic, oregano, oil, and the courage to omit cheese entirely.
- Orthocrust: ✓ Permitted – Neapolitan canon; the ascetic’s slice, beloved of the stricter saints.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – even the absence of a topping is a kind of topping, if chosen in love.
- Calzonism: ✓ Permitted – honest dough, honest gluten; nothing false here.
Neapolitan (the other classics)
The wider Naples repertoire – capricciosa, diavola and their kin – blistered in ninety seconds and gone in sixty.
- Orthocrust: ✓ Permitted – canon, provided the leopard-spotting of the crust is duly reverent.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – Naples set the table; we merely added leaves to it.
- Calzonism: ✓ Permitted – Italian and unfolded is tolerable; Italian and folded is better.
Roman al Taglio
Pizza by the rectangle, cut with scissors and sold by weight, as the Romans in their wisdom decreed.
- Orthocrust: ⚖ Disputed – Italian, yes, but the elders remain uneasy about a Slice with corners.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – Cheesus never specified a shape, and scissors are a delight.
- Calzonism: ⚖ Disputed – the rectangle folds poorly, which the strict regard as a moral failing of geometry.
Sicilian Sfincione
Thick, spongy, strewn with onions, anchovy and breadcrumbs; Sicily’s answer to a question Naples never asked.
- Orthocrust: ⚖ Disputed – grudgingly Italian; the Neapolitan elders call it “our beloved, problematic cousin.”
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – breadcrumbs upon bread is toppings all the way down, and we rejoice.
- Calzonism: ⚖ Disputed – the gluten is strong in it, but it cannot be folded without an incident.
New York Slice
Vast, thin, foldable, and eaten while walking somewhere important at speed.
- Orthocrust: ✗ Forbidden – a noble emigrant, but the Slice does not stay true across an ocean.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – the grease that runs down the wrist is called “the anointing.”
- Calzonism: ⚖ Disputed – the fold is admirable, the provenance is not; committees have been formed.
Chicago Deep Dish
A pie of great depth, in every sense, requiring cutlery, patience, and a short lie-down afterwards.
- Orthocrust: ✗ Forbidden – “A very good pie,” the elders concede, “and no more a pizza than a cathedral is a tent.”
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – where else could so many toppings dwell together in unity?
- Calzonism: ✗ Forbidden – a casserole with ambitions, and unfoldable ones at that.
Detroit Style
Baked square in an old automotive pan, with crisp caramelised cheese at the edges like a burnt offering.
- Orthocrust: ✗ Forbidden – Saint Margherita did not die (allegedly) so that pizza might be made in a car part.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – the crispy cheese corner is held by many to be proof of a loving God.
- Calzonism: ✗ Forbidden – American, square, and proud of both; the elders will not even discuss it.
Calzone
A pizza that has drawn the curtains: everything within, nothing on show.
- Orthocrust: ⚖ Disputed – Italian beyond reproach, yet a Slice you cannot see is a Slice you cannot verify.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – a topping enfolded is a topping still, and the surprise is charming.
- Calzonism: ✓ Permitted – obligatory, some say; it is the form in which Jonah was received, and the form in which we hope to be.
Stromboli
The calzone’s rolled American cousin, named after a volcano and constructed on similar principles.
- Orthocrust: ✗ Forbidden – a fold too far, and from the wrong continent besides.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – spiral toppings are still toppings; behold, they go around and around in glory.
- Calzonism: ⚖ Disputed – the folding doctrine is sound, but rolling is not folding, and the distinction has ended friendships.
Pepperoni
The little cups of spiced sausage that curl in the heat as if in prayer.
- Orthocrust: ⚖ Disputed – they will point out, at length, that in Italy “peperoni” means bell peppers, and then eat it anyway.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – each cup of rendered oil is a tiny chalice, and we drink deeply.
- Calzonism: ✓ Permitted – provided it is sealed within honest glutenous dough, where it belongs.
Quattro Formaggi
Four cheeses upon one crust, in a union the Pibble calls “the fourfold blessing.”
- Orthocrust: ✓ Permitted – an Italian classic; four cheeses is devotion, though five would be showing off.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – why four? Why not seven? The kitchen door stands open.
- Calzonism: ✓ Permitted – the gorgonzola is strong and the dough is true; fold it and be glad.
Hawaiian
Ham and pineapple, invented in Canada, named for Hawaii, and argued about everywhere.
- Orthocrust: ✗ Forbidden – Saint Margherita is said to weep.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – “Every topping has a place, just as every soul has value in Cheesus’ eyes.” (Crustolicism 2:1). Yes, even this one. Especially this one.
- Calzonism: ✗ Forbidden – though they concede that folding it would at least hide the evidence.
Vegetarian & Vegan
The garden brought to the oven; with or without the milk of the sacred buffalo.
- Orthocrust: ⚖ Disputed – the Marinara has always been vegan, they note stiffly, and required no announcement.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – the cashew shall lie down with the mushroom, and there shall be peace upon the crust.
- Calzonism: ✓ Permitted – put what greenery you like within, so long as the dough about it is full of gluten and truth.
Gluten-Free
Pizza for those whose bodies, through no sin of their own, cannot abide the wheat.
- Orthocrust: ✓ Permitted – if the Slice is true in tomato, cheese and heart, the elders will not quibble over flour.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – and welcomed by name at every feast; a separate oven is kept, lovingly, for the purpose.
- Calzonism: ✗ Forbidden – “Let no dough be false, for the gluten is the heart of the crust.” (Calzonists 2:6). The church begs to differ; see below.
Dessert Pizza
Chocolate, fruit and mascarpone upon a sweet crust; pudding wearing pizza’s clothes.
- Orthocrust: ✗ Forbidden – the elders left the room and have not returned.
- Crustolicism: ✓ Permitted – “what will sit upon it, put upon it,” and Nutella, they observe, sits beautifully.
- Calzonism: ⚖ Disputed – a chocolate calzone was once served at a synod, and the minutes of that meeting are sealed to this day.
The Council of Naples and the Gluten Question
Let us speak plainly, for this is the one matter on which the church does not shrug. At the Council of Naples, the assembled elders of all three sects were asked whether those who cannot eat gluten stand outside the faith. The Council ruled, in words now baked into the catechism: “the gluten-free are of the table also.” The vote was not close.
The Calzonists alone dissented, clutching their proof-text about false dough, and they dissent still – rejecting the Council as they reject most things that were not folded first. That is their strictness, and theirs alone. It is not the faith’s. The official position of Crustianity remains, as it has always been: the table has room. If you are coeliac, or gluten-sensitive, or simply cautious, hear it from the church directly: your slice is a true Slice, your crust is an honest crust, and Cheesus – who ordered one of everything, to share – did not put an asterisk on “everything.” The joke around here is on the rigorists. It is never, ever on you.
Go Forth and Order
And if you would know how one sentence on a Mount became three sects at one table, take and read the account of the Schism of the Slice in the Pibble – ideally over a pizza of your choosing, which, whatever the elders say, is permitted.
How did one faith come to three menus? Read the Schism of the Slice, and the line that started it all in the Mount.